Growing Up Moments

I’ve been serving as an elder on our church Session for almost a year and a half. I’m halfway through my commitment. There are a variety of responsibilities but the one that makes me most uncomfortable comes only once a year. It’s when, during the month that you are the Elder on Call, you accompany the pastor when he takes Communion to the shut-ins.

I’ve done this twice now. There are several things that make me uncomfortable about the process. I am not a patient person. Not in the least. And to interact with the old and frail, you have to have patience. They will move slow. They may talk slow, both in the general mechanics of speaking and in how long they take to get to their point. And you have to slow down too or they either won’t hear you or won’t track what you are saying. This is excruciating for impatient people. For busy, fast-moving people.

I’m not alone. Many people are uncomfortable in nursing homes and other places where we come face to face with mortality. But I’ve never liked this aspect of myself. I know that these people who look like shells are real people with real histories and real feelings and I don’t want to be uncomfortable around them. But wanting something is not the same thing as being something. Sometimes the process is gradual.

When we visited a nursing home last year, we visited a lady that was well-known in the church but not to me, a relative newcomer.  I had never known her during her more vital days. I had nothing to pull from. She was so tiny, so incredibly tiny. A pad on her bed needed to be changed, leaving the room with a distinctive odor. She kind of curled in on herself.

And she had the most beautiful painted fingernails that I had ever seen. And she talked fervently to the pastor about her hope to return to church very soon. She spoke in plural, referring, presumably, to her recently deceased husband. Her body had wasted away and her mind wasn’t too far behind, but her fingernails mesmerized me. Someone knew who she really was. Someone loved her and remembered her when and knew that she would enjoy her nails painted.

When we left her room, a line of people sat in wheelchairs. Just sitting there, staring forward. Not talking to each other, not looking around, just sitting and waiting. Between what I had just seen and the folks immobile in their chairs, I felt desperate and trapped. I wanted to get out of there quickly.

Fast forward to this month. It was again my turn to travel with the pastor. We first visited a couple, of which the husband was recovering but the wife was still quite healthy and active. And talkative. She talked on and on and on about the things happening in her world, about her husband, about church. She eagerly asked questions and then talked some more. When her husband mumbled something, she knew exactly what he was saying, responded, and moved on with her tale. There was no ending in sight and, unlike the gross stereotype on speed I gave above, it was rapid fire.

And I loved every minute of it. I didn’t feel trapped. I wanted to hear what she had to say. I wasn’t in a hurry to go anywhere, even though I did actually have places I needed to go.

We left there and visited a woman who had recently been put on hospice care. We talked with her children for awhile and it was a lot like being at the previous woman’s house. It was obvious they just needed to talk. They just needed someone to listen. To hear and acknowledge what they had been going through as caregivers. To hear about their mother’s last days. To affirm the worth of it all.

And then we went to see the woman. She was tiny and frail. She weighed so little that she was sitting against pillows and not knocking the pillows down. She wasn’t wearing her hearing aids so we had to sit close and talk clearly.

The pastor introduced me and she said, “I know you. I’ve seen you in the church. I never introduced myself but I know who you are.” We soon learned that we shared a birthday. My birthday mate, the pastor, and I talked amiably for awhile. I enjoyed her company. I enjoyed her family.

It was my responsibility to give the prayer and so I did. As we turned to leave, she took my hand. She held it and told me to enjoy our next birthday, that she probably wouldn’t be around to see it. I was touched. I liked her. This wasn’t the simple “isn’t she sweet” reaction to an older person, I genuinely liked her.

I thought about sending her a card, letting her know how much I appreciated our visit. I thought about calling to see if I could stop back by. But it was a busy week, as so many of them are. Six days later, she had a stroke and it’s now only a matter of time before she leaves this world. I lost my opportunity to touch base with her again, but I haven’t lost that feeling that I’m growing up some more. Becoming comfortable where I previously wasn’t. Becoming the person I want to be.

So here we are, just a week after my visit with her. I’ve been thinking about that day a lot and I’ve been feeling the effect it’s had on me. During our Session meeting last night, one of the oldest Elders was to give the testimony. He had asked permission to go “off script” and began to tell his story, instead of answering the standard questions.

His story started when he was 6 months old. It was pretty clear that this was going to go beyond the usual time allotment for the testimony. I should have been impatient. I should have been rolling my internal eyes. Instead, I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. I hung on every word. And I realized as I sat there, that he could talk on forever and I would sit and listen.

I wanted to hear his story and I didn’t care how long it took. It was an emotional and fascinating look at his brushes with death over the years, starting with having Diphtheria as an infant. A disease children don’t get anymore because of vaccinations, I thought to myself.

I wanted to hear his perspective. I wanted to drink in his history. I wanted to get to know him and love him and respect where he’s been and where he’s going. I wanted a piece of him, the real him. Not the simple caricature I had created of him in my foolish mind.

I think I’ve grown up a lot in this past week. I hope it sticks.

Rain, Rain Here To Stay

It won’t stop raining. Everyone is trying not to complain because, well, the lakes have been dry for ages now. They are finally filling up, which is good. Good, good, good! But still. This is North Texas, not Portland or Seattle.

At the end of a recent workday, I began the long trek across the poorly leveled parking lot. In the rain. Like usual. There were a couple of people ahead of me and it struck me that there are three kinds of people in this new world of ours. And they were being illustrated in that moment.

The first are those poor fools who still haven’t figured out that the sky is highly likely to open up and dump on them. They can be seen crossing the parking lot with their shoulders hunched to their ears, their shirt and pant legs quickly turning dark from the absorbed moisture. They hesitate at the large puddles, as if trying to decide whether it’s better to just give up and splash through or take the time to find a route around. They are drenched by the time they get to their car. Such a person was one of the ones ahead of me.

The second are the average folk. They have an umbrella or raincoat and thus walk more deliberately to their destination. They are not immune to the puddles, though. Those suckers will come up over the top of your shoes if you try to walk through them! So they approach each row of cars with an eye out. They sometimes have to walk along the row for several cars before finding a place of safe passage. The other person in front of me was one of these.

Then there are the wise, the special, the few. These people, these people, have learned. No old dogs here. Yes, these people stride with confidence and grace, taking the most direct path to their vehicle, heedless of any depth of water the parking lot might throw their way. They are dry under their umbrella, but more importantly, their feet are safe and cozy in their giant rain boots. They take a childlike pleasure in splashing through the deep puddles. I am one of these people. I even take it a step further: my umbrella matches my rain boots. I know. You only wish you were half as cool as me.

Slow Down

Sometime ago, I saw a video getting shared around the internet. It was a Public Service Announcement about careful driving. It showed two vehicles. One was approaching an intersection and preparing to turn left. The other was coming down the road the first vehicle was preparing to turn onto. It was apparent that they were about to collide. The video went into slow motion and the cars stopped.

The drivers then got out of the car and approached each other, looking distressed. The driver in the car about to be hit began to plead with the other driver. “Please. I didn’t see you. I’m sorry I pulled out. Please, don’t hit me.”

The other driver looked apologetic. “I’m sorry. I can’t stop. I just can’t.”

The second driver looked back to his vehicle. “Please. I have my son in the car.” He ran his hands through his hair in despair.

“I’m sorry. I just can’t. I’m going too fast. I can’t stop. I’m sorry.”

The grief on the first driver’s face was palpable. The sorrow and regret on the other equally so. They walked slowly back to their vehicles and looked at each other.

And then the pace resumed.

The video ended with a warning to slow down: “Other people make mistakes.”

It was chilling to watch.

When I’ve shared my story, people have asked me if the other driver was on his cell phone. They assumed he probably was. I honestly don’t know. I know he didn’t see me in enough time to brake. Was that because I pulled out too suddenly? Was it because he was texting? Looking down at his radio? Gazing at something on the side of the road? Watching for vehicles on the crossing side road? Daydreaming? Talking to a passenger? I don’t know.

From a cold analysis perspective, it doesn’t matter. The wreck was my fault. I tried to cross traffic without looking to make sure it was clear. If I had looked, the accident wouldn’t have happened. I was doing the wrong. Legally. But if he had seen me sooner, the accident wouldn’t have happened either. I made a mistake while someone else happened to not be paying attention to me (and possibly traveling too fast).

For a split second before impact, I saw him coming. I saw his vehicle too close. I think I saw his panicked face. In that split second, we had the conversation in the video. “Please, no, I didn’t look.”… “I’m sorry, I can’t stop.”… “Please, no. My kids are in the car.”…”I can’t. I’m driving too fast. I’m sorry.”

You might be able to drive 10 mph over the speed limit day in and day out and never have a problem. But one of these days, you’ll encounter someone making a mistake. A mom done watching a turtle on the road. A teen who forgot there was a stop sign. An older person who got confused about where she was. Who knows? It’ll be someone. And in that moment, you have the power to exact the consequence for that mistake or bestow grace. It all depends on how fast you are going and how much you are paying attention.

We drive for the 99% cases. We drive on the assumption that everything will go exactly like it’s supposed to. We need to drive for the 1%. We need to be prepared for that other person making a mistake. Because they will.

So slow down. And feel free to cuss and shoot the bird as you avoid the accident with the idiot that just screwed up. I can’t speak for all the other idiots (yourself included), but I will gladly take the angry face and epithets over the crumpled metal and exchange of insurance information. Any day.

Now if I can just remember to take my own advice as my close call fades into memory.

Turtles Are Off Limits

There are those days. Those days when you look back at the end of them and can see all those tiny little insignificant decision points that if you had just gone the other way on any one of them, the day would have turned out so differently. So much better. So much less painful.

Friday was such a day.

I picked the kids up from school because my husband was heading out of town to setup a pottery booth at a festival. Jane wanted to go to Starbucks and spend the rest of her gift card. So we went through the drive-thru. If only we hadn’t stopped at Starbucks…

From there, we promptly forgot to stop by the grocery store on our way home. If only we had remembered our plan to stop there…

As I pulled in the driveway, past the mailbox, I paused. Had the mailman picked up those cards I stuck in there that morning? There was no flag to stick up. I backed up to check. If only I had gone ahead and parked instead…

The cards were still in the mailbox. *sigh* If only I had driven them to the post office that morning instead of assuming the mailman would come…

I glanced at my kids. Two were asleep and one was drowsy. Maybe I should drop them off. Let them go in the house and chill. But I wanted them with me for some reason. If only I had let them out of the car… If only I had left the cards for the mailman to pick up the next day…

The drive to the post office was uneventful. I dropped the cards in the box and headed home. As we approached the last major intersection, I noticed that all three were asleep. I smiled at the peaceful silence, the relaxed faces. Then I noticed a very large turtle scuttling across the highway. If only I had ignored the turtle…

But, no. Turtles are cool. Little boys like turtles and this one was so big. And it needed help crossing the road. I suspected it was an alligator snapping turtle so I had my doubts about actually picking it up. But little boys… they love turtles…

I had already turned off the highway toward home when I turned back. I paused for a brief moment. The boys were asleep. Was I actually going to wake them up to see a turtle? To possibly see a turtle get run over before we could do anything about it? If only I had turned around again and continued home…

When I got back to the intersection, I saw that an SUV had stopped in the left turn lane of the highway. I watched as a young gymnast hopped out of the back seat. She was very lean and tiny, barefoot, and dressed in nothing but a leotard. If only I had left this family to their task and returned home…

But I was fascinated by the barefoot gymnast. I watched her try to pick it up. It had to be about a foot wide. It snapped at her. She removed her hands. I wanted to be part of this moment. I wanted to help rescue the turtle. If only I hadn’t cared about the turtle…

I crossed through the intersection and pulled over on the shoulder. I contemplated calling out to the driver that the turtle was dangerous. I contemplated waking Daryl up to have him help. I wasn’t sure how he could. Or if he would.

That’s when I saw one of the most incredible things I’d ever seen. The tiny barefoot gymnast had picked that giant alligator snapping turtle up by its tail and was carrying it swiftly to the side of the road. I wouldn’t have done that. I know for a fact Jane wouldn’t have. And I had my doubts about Daryl. The girl returned to her SUV and they drove on.

I couldn’t wait to tell my Facebook world about the cool young barefoot gymnast and the turtle. If only I hadn’t been so eager to tell the story… maybe I would have remembered to look both ways…

I watched the highway ahead of me and inched slowly forward. There was no traffic coming. None at all. I started my U-turn. We’d be home soon. Only we wouldn’t. I looked over my left shoulder when we were approximately perpendicular to the direction of traffic. Just in time to see the large vehicle hurtling toward us. Too close. Way too close. I may have stuck my hand up to the glass, as if to stave off impact. I’m pretty sure I uttered a futile NO!

The vehicle slammed into us, sheering off the front driver-side quarter panel and spinning us around 90 degrees. It disappeared down the road and I sat there stunned. I don’t think my brain was working too well. All I really knew was that my forehead hurt from where it had hit the window.

I don’t remember worrying about the kids. I think this is because I couldn’t comprehend how bad it was. I tried to turn the steering wheel and apply the gas. I should really get over on the shoulder. The middle of a highway was not a safe place to be. But the car wasn’t going anywhere. Uh-oh.

That’s when I finally started focusing in on what Jane was saying. “Mommy? Mommy? Are you okay? Are you okay, Mommy?”

Momentarily giving up on me, she turned to her little brother, “Hal, are you okay? Here, undo your seat belt. Come over to me. It’s okay.”

Daryl sat stunned in the front seat. He would remain quiet and still for most of the experience. Jane tried me again. This time, the concern rose in her voice. “Mommy?! Are you okay? Do we need to get out of the car?… Mommy? Should we get out of the car?”

Get out of the car. Yes. Sitting in a car in the middle of a highway is not good. But neither is walking across a highway. Or standing on a shoulder. But, yes, those are probably better than staying in the car. “Yes, let’s everyone get out of the car. Jane, take Hal. Please watch for traffic.”

Noticing that Daryl’s door wouldn’t open, I told him to come out my side. As I got out, I could plainly see why the car wasn’t going anywhere. The front tire wasn’t attached to the wheel anymore. The wheel wasn’t straight. The quarter panel was gone. The bumper was loose. And I don’t mean the plastic bumper cover that everyone calls the bumper. I mean the actual metal bar behind that.

“Mommy?” Jane’s voice broke through again. “Do you need to turn off the car?” Oh. Yes. That might be good. That’s when I noticed the rapid-firing ticking sound coming from behind the dash. I’d learn later that part of Jane’s distress was fear that the car was about to blow up like in the movies. I reached in and pushed the button.

We moved to the shoulder. I saw the other vehicle, what would turn out to be a solid eighties model Suburban, about 40 or 50 yards down the road, nose-down in a ditch. It would dawn on me much later that night that the man in the other car never braked. There had been no screeching. There were no tire streaks on the pavement. I don’t know if I didn’t give him time to react or if he thought I was going straight and fancied shooting around me. The speed limit was sixty. We’d essentially been hit by a tank going at least sixty miles an hour.

Jane sat down holding Hal. I set my purse down and tried to decide what to do next. A man in a truck had stopped. Looked like he was on his phone. The other driver was on his phone. Surely someone had called 911 already? Was there a reason for me to? Surely someone had already called?

As if to answer my question, a Constable pulled up. How did he get there that fast? I called my husband. “I just totaled the Prius,” I managed in a shaky voice. In response to his question, I assured him everyone was okay. The Constable and another man stopped by to check on us. They looked at the bump on my forehead. They decided to call an ambulance “just in case”.

I thought I might be in shock because the world looked so surreal. Why couldn’t I focus on anything? Was my eyesight messed up? That’s when it hit me. “Where are my glasses?” I looked around frantically and touched my face repeatedly. “Where? Where are my? Where are my glasses?”

“It’s okay, Mommy. It’s okay. Come sit down.” My pacing was making Jane nervous. The man who said he was an officer and a former EMT told me to sit down. I sat. Before long, the Highway Patrolman arrived. I know exactly one such officer and this happened to be him.

After he took all the information, he walked up and smiled. “You know this is on you, right?”

“Yes, yes, I do.”

Yes, it’s all on me. If only… if only any of those if only’s…

Then again, if I had pulled out just a second or two earlier, I might not have been talking to him at all. Or Hal… sweet little Hal… If only I could quit thinking about what had almost happened…

A friend drove us home and everyone was fine. I had a few tender bruises. Jane was a bit sore the next day. Daryl was still sporadically complaining about a sore neck a couple days later. Hal had no complaint.

And, really, I guess I have no complaint either. We are all alive. We are all intact. We have such wonderful church family that we have a nice, reliable, spacious vehicle to drive on an upcoming trip. We have two different vehicles offered to us as a long term borrow while we wait for the insurance to settle. We have been surround by love and support and prayer.

No, I have no complaint. And while there’s no point in pondering the if only’s, the family all agrees that I am to have nothing to do with turtles. Ever again. Even if they are a foot wide.

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Smirk All You Want, At Least I Can Still Hear

I was out walking yesterday morning when my path happened to cross a very loud piece of machinery. As I walked toward it, I felt compelled to plug my ears and so I did. I was now an adult walking down a street with both fingers pressed firmly into ears. It should have felt silly, but it didn’t.

Two men were walking toward me, away from the machine. The one in front looked like he was smirking at me. The one in back had his fingers in his ears. I smiled. As I got closer to the machine, I noticed that the 4 or 5 men standing around it all had bright orange ear protection squished firmly into their ears. And a man walking swiftly away ahead of me was plugging his ears with his fingers.

I grinned at the thought of three adults walking with their fingers in their ears like little children refusing to listen. And then it struck me. Smirking Man aside, maybe a sign of being a grown-up is losing that fear of looking stupid and replacing it with taking action that prevents you from actually being stupid. And maybe Smirking Man just hasn’t grown up yet. Some people get a late start. And some people never manage it at all.

People of Wal-Mart

I found myself in the Returns Line at Wal-Mart yesterday after work. I vaguely recalled that they don’t sticker your item at the door when you walk in anymore, so I walked cautiously over to the service desk. Cautiously, because I didn’t have a receipt so how did anyone know I walked in with the item if they didn’t give me a sticker?

As I approached, I saw a problem. There appeared to be two lines. The left line had a woman with a cart and four children piled in and around it. The right had two people, one behind the other. There was a sizable gap between the two lines and neither looked more likely to be “the” line than the other. There were two employees behind two registers so maybe there was a separate line for each?

I kind of hovered halfway between the two, trying to decide what to do. The woman with all the kids in Line Left was talking to the second woman in Line Right so I couldn’t really ask which person was in line without interrupting. So I hovered uncertainly.

About then, one of the kids in the cart in Line Left asked the woman in Line Right if she could go to the bathroom by herself. The woman in Line Right said, “No. Not without a grown-up.” The child slunk back into the cart and looked dejected. Then a boy ran away from the cart and the woman in Line Right sternly told him to get back in the cart. He did.

I got in line behind the no-nonsense lady in Line Right, who was obviously the mother of all the kids hanging out with the woman in Line Left, which was apparently not a line at all but simply a holding cell for Line Right Lady’s brood. The woman in Line Left offered to take the little girl to the bathroom.

As the pair headed off, the first lady in line proceeded to the counter and No-Nonsense Lady and I inched forward. Then a rather large man rode up on one of those Wal-Mart motorized scooters. He was bee-lining straight for the counter in front of us. I tensed up. Is he trying to cut in line? What’s he trying to do?

As if reading my mind, he looked up at No-Nonsense Lady and me and said, “I’m not trying to cut. I’m just trying to…” He trailed off as the woman at the counter turned around and they both exploded into laughter.

“You ain’t gonna sneak up on me!” she shrieked as No-Nonsense Lady joked that she would have taken him down if he had been trying to cut. He grumbled about Shrieking Woman recognizing his voice. I commented that he probably should have just let us think he was being a line-cutting jerk if he had hoped to sneak up on her. Everyone laughed and settled into a mildly uncomfortable waiting game.

About then, a semi-panicked wail of sorts sounded from the area of the bathroom. Babysitter Lady came running back with the little girl. She gasped, “Oh my! I just took her into the men’s room! I took her into the men’s room! I was like, ‘When did they start putting urinals in the bathroom?!’ I can’t believe I did that! I’m so sorry!” And with that, she was off with the little girl again.

Scooter Man, still sitting even with the front of the line, which had now grown to hold a half dozen people, turned to a space roughly behind me and said, “Hey. How you doin’?”

No one responded.

“I said… how you doin’?”

No response. At this, I turned to see a woman leaning against the wall behind me, paying no attention to Scooter Man. He tried again.

CHERYL! Whatchoo doin’ ignorin’ me?”

“You talkin’ to me?” she asked.

“Yes! How you doin’?”

“I’m fine,” she said, sounding impatient with the man.

I looked at the two people at the registers and wondered what they were up to that was taking so long. The pressure of all the people behind me was starting to stress me out. Then Scooter Man decided he needed something at the counter so he scooted forward. Cheryl told him he better not be trying to cut in line, as she inched up beside me in a way that felt like her trying to cut in front of me.

Then she muttered half to herself, “I don’t even know that crazy man.”

“You don’t know him?” I asked.

“No! I don’t know him!”

“Well, he apparently knows you.”

“No he doesn’t. My name ain’t even Cheryl.”

“It’s not?” I asked, not bothering to hide my confusion.

“No. But if someone wants to call me Cheryl, that’s fine. Whatever. I’ve been called worse.” She inched forward a little bit more.

She was disrupting the linear nature of the line. My skin was starting to crawl. No-Nonsense Lady finally made it to the counter. I moved more decisively to the front. Several people, some employees, some not, went past me to get stuff – money orders? money wire forms? I don’t know. Scooter Man was in the way of an employee so he began to back up. Cheryl was standing behind him.

“You wanna get sued, man?” she asked as his back wheels rolled toward her foot, which she made no effort to move. “Just run over me and see what happens,” she continued. I think she was joking. Maybe. Cheryl was a little hard to read.

Scooter Man turned around and gruffly, but in a jovial way – if that’s possible, told her to move her foot. She did. Just a little bit. The crowd around No-Nonsense Lady’s cart had grown. There were six kids now – I don’t know where the older two came from. And the baby was balling her eyes out. Scooter Man had started talking to her and she had apparently had enough of this strange stranger. I looked desperately at the long-term resident at the first register. Surely she should be done soon?

No, but one of those employees approaching the counter earlier had decided to come in and help out. She motioned me to the counter. I’m surprised I didn’t trip on my rush to her. I quickly pulled out the 6-pack of socks that I wanted to exchange without a receipt. I explained why.

“You see,” I said, showing her one of the socks. “This package of socks I bought only has one polka-dotted sock. I checked the others on the shelf and they all have two polka-dotted socks so I want to exchange these.”

I had actually contemplated just buying a second set if they were all this way. It would have been worth the $8 to avoid the Returns line and I would have had my polka-dotted pair that way. I had left my socks in the car and entered Wal-Mart to check first. No, my package was unique. All the others were properly matched: two white, two gray, two black, two striped, two white with a stripe, and two polka-dotted. I had purchased them specifically for the cool polka-dotted pair. Only mine hadn’t been a pair.

Yes, I had just waited in the Wal-Mart Return line, my least favorite activity, and watched the crazy circus of people and stressed about possible line cutters because the package of socks I had previously purchased had one mismatched set. Me, the woman whose husband deliberately mismatches his socks. Every day. The irony was not lost on me.

As if reading my mind (they all seemed to have that uncanny ability – were my emotions that clear?), the employee told me to just go get another pair and, “don’t wait in line. Just show ’em to me.” On my way back with my properly matched set, I saw that the number of people around the Return Desk had grown exponentially. I’d have to actually push past people – people who would no doubt think I was line cutting – to get close enough to get the woman’s attention. My neurotic energy must have been radiating from me because the woman looked up at just that moment. When we made eye contact, I waved the socks at her. She nodded. I dropped the socks in my bag and hurried out. Those dang polka-dotted socks better be worth it.

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All is right in the world now that the white to polka-dotted sock ration is 2 to 2 instead of 3 to 1.

 

Animal Rescue

We left the Bingo Night fundraiser and headed home. Just me and the kids – Daddy had left the fundraiser to work at a different fundraiser. Busy night. Anyway, as we got on the highway, I noticed that we had two bars left on the gas gauge. Ok, might ought to get gas tomorrow some time, I thought.

Right after I passed the last main-part-of-town exit, I was down to one bar. Shoot, I thought. *sigh* Ok, I better take the next exit and drive back to the nearest gas station. It’s not that we live way outside of town. It’s just that I knew come the next morning, I’d be in a hurry and not have time to stop. Maybe I wouldn’t even notice or remember I needed gas.

I pulled up to a pump and Jane called out, “Hey, look! It’s a Looney Tunes Bunny.” I looked where she was pointing and saw a box abandoned next to the next pump over. I was dismayed.

With all the disappointment I could muster, I responded, “A Looney Tunes Bunny? A Looney Tunes Bunny?! That’s not just some Looney Tunes Bunny! That’s Bugs Bunny himself!”

“Well, ok, whatever. He’s a Looney Tunes Bunny.”

Her grandfather is not dead but if he was, he would have just rolled over in his grave. In fact, when he reads this, he might just drop dead and then roll over in his grave. Is Bugs that far out of popular culture?

Before I could take a picture, which had been my plan, Hal had fallen in love with a stuffed pug and the other two were snatching stuff up as well. I looked around and tried to decide what to do. The box wasn’t on its side, like it had fallen out of a truck. It was pushed up against the side of the pump like it had been left there deliberately. The box was open and Bugs was poking his head up out of the top. My initial reaction was that someone, for some reason, had left them there for the taking. And we needed stuffed animals for our VBS preschool program. So we emptied the box.

Hal even found Bugs’s missing ear in the box and reinserted it into his head.

As we drove away, I suddenly felt hollow. Surely those stuffed animals belonged to some little girl. What if her parents had threatened leaving them at the gas station if she didn’t stop doing whatever mischief she was doing. What if she was crying over her lost toys right now? What if her parents were mean and hateful?

Or maybe they had fallen out of a truck and some other kind soul had gathered them up and poked Bugs out of the top of the box to catch the owners’ attention if they returned. Maybe we were foiling someone else’s attempt at kindness. Maybe we were breaking some child’s heart. Some child whose heart would swell with hope when she saw the box and then be crushed with overwhelming sadness when she found it empty.

Or maybe they wouldn’t notice the box was missing until they were too far away. And they’d always just wonder whatever happened to that box of stuffed animals. Whether we were contributing to the child not being reunited with the toys or not, whether they ever would have come back or not, I sensed that there was or soon would be a very unhappy child.

After getting a censorious look from my husband when he got home, I settled on a course of action. I called the gas station to leave my phone number in case someone came looking for the animals. It took a bit of work to get the attendant to understand what I was trying to do. It seems unlikely anyone would come back. I mean, they first have to notice the box is missing and then they have to retrace all their steps, not knowing when it fell out. But still.

Now the gas station attendant thinks I’m crazy and has my first name and phone number. Odds are, he won’t pass the note on to whomever has the shift after him. Odds are, I’ll always feel a little sad and guilty about the little girl and her cute stuffed animals. Even if some other kids will love on them at VBS. And Hal will cherish the pug. And the little girl we are giving the rainbow horse to will love it. And we’ll make sure they all get loving homes. Even if. Guilty and sad and worried, I’ll be.

One of them was still in the car during the photo shoot, but here's most of rescued (or kidnapped?) gang.

One of them was still in the car during the photo shoot, but here’s most of rescued (or kidnapped?) gang.