Bonafide Bonehead

In the course of telling you about my recent cellphone catastrophe, I mentioned the boneheaded moment I decided to rinse my cellphone off in the sink before trying to… rescue it from the effects of excessive moisture.

I wish I could tell you it was an isolated incident.

It is not.

My nonsensical idiocy runs the gamut from obvious (to everyone else) poor fashion decisions to actual life and death matters.

In eighth grade, I wanted to look like, I don’t know, Molly Ringwald or something. I wanted to look like a hip young girl in tune with 80s chic, and I thought I had exactly what I needed to pull it off. Unfortunately, no matter how bright and preppy your shirt looks, if you combine an ultra-short black leather mini skirt with hot pink tights and little heeled silver boots, you look like you belong in the red light district, not on the red carpet. It wasn’t until I noticed all the whispers taking place that I realized there was more to style than just color coordination.

Childhood can perhaps be excused, but adults are supposed to know better. Before we had kids, I got in a huge fight with my husband about whether or not we should wear face masks while playing pick-up roller hockey. He insisted we should. I insisted that no one else even wore helmets and we’d look like over-concerned fools if we added face masks. That night – I’m not kidding you – that very night, I found myself in the urgent care center at the hospital getting 11 stitches in my eyebrow after colliding with someone on the rink.

I obviously didn’t learn my lesson because sometime after that, we arrived at an indoor skating rink for pick-up hockey with a rougher crowd. I dug and dug through my large hockey bag but couldn’t find my rubber mouth guard. Oh, well,  I thought. It’ll probably be OK to play without. Not too far into the evening, a show-off forward approached me with the puck. I stood my ground (perhaps a boneheaded decision itself) and he smashed right into me. As I picked me and my freshly broken stick up off the rink, I noticed that there was a bit of something on my tongue. Part of my tooth. I found the mouth guard as I put my stuff back in my bag.

Then there was the moment about a month after my first child was born when I loaded her and the dog up in the car and went to pick up a car part from a dealership for my husband. By the time I got there, I had… well… basically forgotten I had a child. I was standing in line at the parts counter when all the blood drained from my face as I realized I had left her in the car. Did I run back out and get her as any normal person would do? No! I stayed in line because I didn’t want all those other people to think I was a bad mom when I re-entered with a tiny baby. So… I became a worse mom… by leaving her there. {For the truly aghast among you, it was neither too hot nor too cold outside. She wasn’t in danger just by virtue of being in the car.}

While deep in a secluded section of Grand Canyon, requiring a steep uphill climb and several miles of walking to get anywhere close to a ranger, I once tried to take a close-up picture of a cute little baby snake… rattling its cute little tail at me… Until my panicked husband yelled as he approached and I backed off. In my defense, none of the people standing around watching had said anything at all. My husband made sure to give me all the grim details of what would have happened had I been bitten. And he was quite amused that I had gotten so close to the snake that the pictures I had taken were all blurry.

But perhaps the most boneheaded decision I made was when I was a Junior in High School. My boyfriend at the time asked me to marry him. Well, I didn’t know if that was a good move – I was fairly certain it wasn’t. I didn’t know if I wanted to marry him or not. And I certainly didn’t know what would happen if I said no. What I did know was that I didn’t want us to break up. And I knew that wouldn’t happen if I said yes, so I said yes. And he was oh, so happy.

Fortunately for me, many of my boneheaded moves did not have disastrous consequences – this one in particular. That boyfriend was the last one I ever had and we’ve beaten all odds on many fronts to have made this marriage work. And I truly couldn’t ask for a better person to be there laughing like a hyena whenever I do something really, really dumb.

20 Hours and a Bag of Rice

The children and I, plus Jane’s boyfriend, were away from home visiting family. It was the last day and a full busy one. We had met my father-in-law for breakfast and then made a quick visit out to his house before heading back to my mother’s house for the big extended family gathering.

My grandmother on my stepdad’s side plus her daughter and son-in-law had pulled into the driveway just ahead of us. We greeted them and made introductions before I darted inside. See, I was supposed to be helping with the food but really needed to use the bathroom first.

It was much colder than I had expected it to be. When we had left home several days earlier, it was 84 degrees outside. This particular morning, it had literally been freezing when we woke up. I had foolishly failed to check the weather and as a result had not packed any long pants. I had spent the previous day wearing a pair of my mother’s jeans. She and I have about the same girth but my legs are noticeably longer. I walked around looking like a dork in high waters.

All this to say that I had stopped at Wal-Mart and purchased some sweatpants that I needed anyway. But sweatpants have front pockets, not back pockets. And I was in a hurry when I entered the bathroom. I took care of my business, turned to flush, and then quickly pulled up my pants. I was tying the string when my cellphone, nestled in that front pocket and forgotten about, leaped into the toilet headfirst.

I shrieked as the water swirled around it, made a mental observation that it was a good thing it was too big to fit down the drain, and snatched it out quickly. I then added to my growing list of boneheaded moves and rinsed it off under the sink before drying it off. Isn’t that what you always do when you pull something out of the toilet?

Anyway, I then rushed out of the bathroom and told my mother that I desperately needed some rice. She could tell it was an emergency but couldn’t quite figure out how someone could have an urgent need for rice. Especially as they emerge from the bathroom. But rice she fetched as I powered off my phone.

I would later remove it from the rice to use the vacuum to suck any moisture out of the openings, but otherwise, it stayed in a bag of rice from noon that day until 8 am the next. And for that 20 hour window, I was struck by how lost I was without my phone.

I wasn’t able to make the dish I planned because my recipe was on my phone. I didn’t want to Google and find something close – I wanted my recipe.

I couldn’t take pictures as the family gathered. I had to use my mom’s phone and now I’ll have to wait for her to forward the pictures to me.

I couldn’t check my work email as I had promised to do while away from the office.

I couldn’t check personal email either, which turned out to be very critical the next morning when I discovered at 8:20, as the family was slowly waking up, that the bell choir director wanted us at church at 8:50 for rehearsal.

I couldn’t receive text messages from the friend taking care of our dog.

I couldn’t check on my Words With Friends games or play Two Dots. I actually kind of liked that part. Hmmm…

That afternoon, when I prepared to go run – it having been too cold that morning, I realized that without my phone, I couldn’t track my run or my heart rate and — horror of horrors! — I couldn’t play music to keep me motivated.

For that one, I downloaded the two apps on my mother’s phone and survived well enough. The run won’t be in my Polar Beat history. But that’s OK because mom’s older Samsung still has the location bug and wouldn’t track where I was anyway.

I couldn’t access Google Maps but fortunately knew my way home.

That night, I couldn’t set my alarm clock for the next morning but was luckily back with my husband. Who had not dropped his phone in the toilet. So I had him set his.

I felt so lost. I was only antsy for the first couple of hours. After that, I managed to accept the situation and wait. But I couldn’t help being reminded how critical that expensive little device has become.

Children & Communication: The Great Irony

When you care about the details:

Mom: “So how was school today?”

Child: “Fine.”

Mom: “Anything special happen?”

Child: “No.”

Mom: “I heard the fire alarms went off.”

Child: “Oh. Yeah.”

Mom: “So what did you do?”

Child: “We went outside.”

Mom: “Was it scary? Exciting? I heard there was smoke in the hallways.”

Child: *shrug*

When you don’t care about the details:

(Mom asks the initial question because school dress code does not allow blue socks.)

Mom: “Why are you wearing blue socks?”

Child: “Because I’m wearing my boots and…”

Mom: “Ok, I understand.”

Child: “No, wait! Let me explain! I’m wearing my boots and I’m going to wear my pants over the top of the boots so…”

Mom: “Got it. I need to go finish getting ready.”

Child: “But, wait! See, I’m wearing my boots with the blue tops but I’m going to wear my pants over the boots so the blue doesn’t show but when I wear short socks when I’m wearing the pants over the boots, the boots are cold on my skin so I’m going to wear tall socks so that doesn’t happen.”