Lady in Red

A dear friend of mine has a delightful blog that you can read here. Being a person in the same stage of life as me and blessed with quirky children, same as me, her blog has a similar flavor to mine. I highly recommend it. One of my favorite styles she employs is her open letter to a person she encounters on an average day. Her letters showcase her ironic wit quite nicely. I encountered such a person recently and as I contemplated how to tell her story, Roshaunda’s open letters kept coming to mind. So here’s my open letter and I trust that my friend will remember that imitation is indeed the sincerest form of flattery.

Dear Lady in Red,

I know why you are here. It’s the same reason I am. We are both wearing red and that is what allows us to be in this little room with the mood lighting and all the free stuff. Actually, I bet they’d let us in here even if we weren’t wearing red, but wearing red was the key to getting the free stuff. And you are definitely here for the free stuff. I can see the mad glint in your eye as you rush from item to item, stuffing it into your bag.

Now, I can understand why you would hurry to grab one of those heart-shaped stress balls. Everyone needs one of those and with only a hundred or so in the box, I can see why you might be concerned about them running out. Especially since there is a herd of… 2 or 3 people rapidly approaching the room. And the Dove dark chocolate, of course. Quite tasty and I am sure that the ones scattered across the table are all they have. They surely wouldn’t have any more bags behind the table to replenish the supply. I even understand grabbing all the pamphlets. They are kind of the point anyway and I’m sure you plan to study the information very closely when you get home.

No, I understand the value in acquiring all of those things. What I don’t understand is why you were so interested in possessing one of the vials of yellow fake-fat goo. I was comparing a couple of them from the display when you came up beside me. I was shocked to discover that a McDonald’s sausage biscuit has the same amount of fat as the infamous Big Mac. Before I had a chance to put them back and look at another, you walked up and asked what they were.

“Oh,” I said, “These are just vials showing us the relative amounts of fat in various foods we eat.”

You shocked me even more than the sausage biscuit when you grunted an “oh” and then grabbed a vial and dropped it in your bag. You were already turning to head to the ice chest with the mini bottles of water when I came to.

“No, wait. Those aren’t for us to take. They are just for us to look at.”

Another “oh” and you fished out the vial and returned it to the display. I’m wondering what you planned to do with the vial. Were you going to lay it on your kitchen windowsill? Or maybe give it a place of prominence at the center of your dining room table, informing all of your guests about the amount of fat in a Krispy Kreme doughnut?

No, I suppose you were grabbing it just because it was free. As a recovering pack rat, I find your free frenzy quite close to insane. But if “free” is that important to you, I set out a ton of free stuff every Monday morning. It’s even already in a large black bag for you. You’ll just have to make sure you get here before the garbage man arrives. He likes free stuff too.


Another Woman in Red